You know the first rule of despotism is “Don’t drink your own Koolaid”.  Have you been drinking the Koolaid, Ali?

Vlad is right.  There’s no way to actually use a nuke without it being a show-stopper.  And I know you know that, so I ask myself: “Are you wanting to stop the show, Ali?”  I know that you’ve got that wild and wacky guy Yazdi running around telling everybody about the Hidden Imam, and how you’ve got to prepare for him, but Ali – that’s the KoolAid for the peasants right?  You can’t drink that stuff for yourself.

I like the thing about your right to peaceful nuclear power and all, it just makes those democrats go all crazy tying themselves in knots. That’s a good running gag.  Keep it playing.  Maybe even if you’re lucky you can get a little old bomb out of it too, just to drive them crazier.

But you wouldn’t use them.  Would  you, Ali?

By the way, if you’ve got such oil for Africa, can I have some?  Just my little joke, Ali.

So I’m even letting Little Dmitri have a chat with those beastly Americans (really, all those Under-Secretaries are just too grim for words) to see if we could get something useful in exchange.  I’m thinking … new uniforms for everybody maybe, a real retro-eighties thing with huge should boards and lots of braid.  And mirrors, lots of mirrors everywhere, so that we can all watch each other being fabulous and gorgeous.

But the missiles, I love.  I know you do too, Ali.  They’re so … long and … big … it just makes me shiver with excitement.

So I’m thinking that maybe you know where I can buy some stuff off the shelf.  I’m not proud, I tell Mahmoud, I can live with a ready-made, it doesn’t have to be tailor-made already.  Just a regular-size nuke or two will be very pleasant.

So Mahmoud has a look on the interweb.  (Oy vey, you can buy anything on this, they’re so clever.  Got me a brand new copy of The Protocols, personally signed by the author.  And women, women everywhere, some of them without veils even!  Hot, hot, hot, it makes me.)

Anyway, Mahmoud looks everywhere on the interweb, but it’s all sold out.  Amazon, sold out.  E-bay, sold out.  Khan-Mart, closed down.  We thought we found some from such lovely guys in Nigeria, but since we sent the cheque we haven’t been hearing from them so much.

So I’m hoping maybe a little bit of help among my dear friends the despots, what do you think?  Vlad, I’m thinking you’ve got enough already.  And you’re never using them, they just sit in their holes.  Maybe want to share them around a little?

Your friend,

Ali.

One thing I’ve learned is that you just can’t destroy freedom overnight.  People are so stubborn, don’t you think?

So I have to go slowly, and I have to go through that hopeless charade of pretending about wanting democracy and all.  I like to say that I am a legal government, but those judges and lawyers can be a real pain in the backside, you know what I mean?  But I think I’m getting the hang of it now.  Get rid of the judges who think for themselves, and now I’m getting control of the lawyers too.  That’ll be good, because then I can say that all the arrests and everything are legal.

That’s got to look good, because we need the tourism dollars.  So any tips you can give me about how to promote holidays in a human rights hell would be great.  I need those rich people to give me their money, but they get a bit squeamish, you know?  They’ve got no stomach for the rough stuff.

That’s what I love about you guys, you really know about keeping stuff hidden.  I’ve got a lot to learn from all of you.  Thanks for making me feel so welcome.

It’s not all about beating people up.  (Though goodness knows I do love throwing people around the judo mat as much as the next guy.)  Bread and circuses, darlings, that’s what people want.  Bread and circuses.

Me, I love a parade.  All those gorgeous uniforms.  And men.  Lots of pouting, hunky men goosestepping their way into people’s hearts.

You’ve got to show a little bit of muscle.  Not just the street thuggish stuff, but a few pecs and abs as well.  Ali, I bet that underneath those flowing robes you’ve got the body of an Adonis.  Show a little bit of leg next time you’re at prayers. Hugo, you’re a simmering hunk of macho.  I could just eat you up.  And doesn’t Bob look just fantastic for an octogenarian?  Love those London tailors!  Jong-il, trust me, a bit of time pushing weights will do wonders for that little belly and sagging arm of yours.

And your adoring people will simply love you for it.  Really, they love the strong man thing.  Did you see that thing I did with the tiger?  Oh, they just lapped it up.

‘Strong’, that’s the key word here darlings, literally as well as figuratively.

Okay, so not so much money anymore the way my guys are running the oil industry these days. So I won’t pay my bills to the people who pump the oil, or I just take their companies. What are they gonna do? I got the army and the navy and the air force you know. Well, okay, not such a great navy. The air force so so, I think. But the army. What a great bunch of guys. They do what I want, no problem.

And I’ve got a tv show. Man, you gotta see me on tv. I am something wicked, you know, like Oprah or Dr Phil. People love me. Sometimes I give them money too. They love me when I give them money. Okay, so it can’t buy so much any more. But still, it’s lovely money. Okay, maybe the ink is still a bit wet, but I like the pictures. And lots of zeroes look really rich, don’t you think?

And everywhere I go, people tell me I am the Big Guy, the supreme enchilada. I like it when they tell me that. I know they really really love me, because my guys tell me it’s true. Except for those who don’t love me. Them I’ve got to persuade, if you know what I mean.

I thought we had that election all sewn up, but oy vey, that Mahmoud couldn’t steal candy from a baby, he’s so clueless.  What a shemozzle.  Now I have to come out from behind the veil and tell everybody straight out “That’s it, you know me, I wouldn’t cheat you, all over red rover.” 

But those people in the streets, they’re so rude.  That’s what I can’t forgive, they’re so rude, saying they don’t believe me no more.  Okay, so we have to say that yes there was maybe a little bit of fraud, but not so much to change the result. 

I like that bit.  That bit I’m thinking was very clever, neh?  “Eleven millions,” I say, “how could we steal eleven millions?  Maybe you think we could steal a million or two, but eleven is way too many.”

That’s such a clever argument, they’ll never see through that one.

So now we’ve won the election, I have some problems I’d like some help on.  Not so much problems maybe, just issues, you know.  We despots don’t have problems, of course, just brilliant solutions that we haven’t shown yet.

So here’s the real issue.  My economy is going down the toilet.  Bad, bad, bad I’m thinking.  Poor old Mahmoud, sweet guy, great schtick on blaming everybody else, but really not so smart when it comes to the money.  We’re spending so much paying other people to fight our battles, but where’s the cost-benefit analysis?  And building peaceful nuclear power is not cheap, you know what I mean?

Also, I hate that I need educated people so much, and they’re a real lippy bunch.  But if you want to build nukes you need a few people who know how things go together.  So how do I get people who know what’s what, when I don’t want people who know what’s what.  Know what I mean?

You’ve got to work at it every day, like going to the gym.  Or having a younger wife.  Look at me, eighty-five years old, and still I’m showing you guys how to be a real despot.

Every day I get up, and I think to myself:  “Bob, how are we going to hang on to power today?”

And every day, I come up with new plans.  Cunning plans, the cleverest you ever saw.

Of course I use thugs to beat people up, kill them if we have to.  They try to oppose me, of course we got to kill them.  What do they think we are, some kind of charity?  We’ve got a country to ruin, for christsake.  That aint going to happen all by itself you know.

So be clever.  Use other people’s weaknesses.  Tell them what they want to hear, then do what you want.  Divide and rule.  Bribe anybody who can be bought.  Don’t worry about money, just print some more.  All good fun.  All very clever.

My agricultural policies are perfect, and yet those dumb people, still they starve.  Is that my fault?  I don’t think so.  I think they are just stupid.  Or it is also a conspiracy by others who are so jealous of my brilliance.  They always trying to pull me down. 

Sometimes I get so fed up, I am thinking, maybe I just go to Hollywood and make great movies like Lethal Weapon 4 some more, you know?  With my genius, I would be the greatest film director and producer and writer and actor ever, I think.  People would flock to my movies.  There would be no need for any other movies, because mine would be so good, anyone who wanted to see others would have to be mad.  Very mad, I think.  I would have to help them cure their madness, I think.  So just more work for me.  Poor me.  It is so hard sometimes to be so brilliant.